I’m going though this time of transition, which after reading the amazing piece “Fear of Transformation” from the Essene Book of Days (posted below), I’m thankfully reminded that the fear that encapsulates my being when I’m not sure whats next is perfectly normal….that these are the times of the most growth even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time. This part particularly resonated with me….”I have noticed that, in our culture, this transition zone is looked upon as a “no-thing”, a no-place between places. ... That’s just a scary, confusing, disorienting “nowhere” that must be gotten through as fast and as unconsciously as possible.” I love this. Here, in particular the NY area of the US, we are a 'goal driven, must know where we're going, what we're doing' kind of place. This has its benefits of course, but it doesn't lend a lot of allowance for taking time to re-assess things. You constantly hear questions like, "Well, whats next?" or "What are you going to do now?" and if you don't have a solid answer you get the polite "Ah, well thats ok".... a.k.a.... "Really? You don't know?!"
I've been consciously trying to live in this 'I don't know' because I believe this time is all part of it -- its not a nothing, meaningless, voided, waste of time in my life but another important growth period. I want to be in the 'nowhere' happily and fully embrace the beauty of this moment...this moment of unsettling fear and anxiety, but also this moment on the brink of opportunity for change, for something new, for growth. I think if we all embraced this time with more calm awareness and trust that our lives would take a more heartfelt and inspired direction to the next phase.
Fear of Transformation
From The Essene Book of Days
Sometimes I feel that my life is a series of trapeze swings. I’m
either hanging on to a trapeze bar swinging along or, for a few
moments in my life, I’m hurtling across space in between trapeze bars.
Most of the time I spend my life hanging on for dear life to my
trapeze-bar-of-the-moment. It carries me along a certain steady rate
of swing and I have the feeling that I’m in control of my life. I
know most of the right questions and even some of the right answers.
But once in a while, as I’m merrily swinging along, I look ahead of me
into the distance, and what do I see? I see another trapeze bar
swinging toward me. It’s empty, and I know, in that place in me that
knows, that this new trapeze bar has my name on it. It is my next
step, my growth, my aliveness coming to get me. I know in my heart
that for me to grow, I must release my grip on the present well known
bar and move to the new one.
Each time it happens to me, I hope or pray that I won’t have to grab
the new one. But in my knowing place I know that I must totally
release my grip on my old bar, and for some moments in time I must
hurtle across space before I can grab onto the new bar. Each time I
am filled with terror. It doesn’t matter that in all my previous
hurtles across the void of unknowing I have always made it. Each time
I am afraid I will miss, that I will be crushed on unseen rocks in the
bottomless chasm between the bars. But I do it anyway. Perhaps this
is the essence of that the mystics call the faith experience. No
guarantees, no net, no insurance policy, but you do it anyway because
somehow, to keep hanging onto that old bar is no longer on the list of
alternatives. And so for an eternity that can last a microsecond or a
thousand lifetimes, I soar across the dark void of “the past is gone,
the future is not yet here.” It’s called transition. I have come to
believe that it is the only place that real change occurs. I mean
real change, not the pseudo-change that only lasts until the next time
my old buttons get pushed.
I have noticed that, in our culture, this transition zone is looked
upon as a “no-thing”, a no-place between places. Sure the old trapeze
bar was real, and that new one coming towards me, I hope that’s real
too. But the void in between? That’s just a scary, confusing,
disorienting “nowhere” that must be gotten through as fast and as
unconsciously as possible. What a waste! I have a sneaking suspicion
that the transition zone is the only real thing, and the bars are
illusions we dream up to avoid the void, where the real change, the
real growth occurs for us. Whether or not my hunch is true, it
remains that the transition zones in our lives are incredible rich
places. They should be honored, even savored. Yes, with all the pain
and fear and feelings of being out-of-control that can accompany
transitions, they are still the most live, most growth filled,
passionate, expansive moments in our lives.
And so, transformation of fear may have nothing to do with making fear
go away, but rather with giving ourselves permission to “hang-out” in
the place between trapeze bars. Transforming our need to grab that
new bar, any bar, is allowing ourselves to dwell in the only place
where change really happens. It can be terrifying. It can also be
enlightening, in the true sense of the word, hurtling through the
void, we just may learn to fly.
